IT Directors Forum 2017: The Boat That Rocked will be Docked Part 2

Kitchens, clog clumping and breaking into cabins: all part of the IT Directors Forum service!

In this second part of a three-part blog, my ending note on the November City IT was a very harrowing experience…

Fortunately, the weather improved and the cruise back to Southampton was less eventful. I still managed to avoid my bed until around 4am but was up like a lark for breakfast before disembarkation. I arrived back home to a small reception committee. My wife was waiting with her coat on and I was immediately guided from the comfort of my car home to the cold seat of her VW Polo. “Where are we going?” I asked. “To buy a new kitchen.” Came the reply. The next I knew I was handing over a cheque for said new kitchen and I was in no state to put up any defence. That was a very costly cruise indeed!

We have had some great fun over the years. We have really made the most of in every aspect and made it our event. Some time back over a period of around three years we were always positioned alongside the same supplier. They always had prime position in the Crow’s Nest. However, their Sales Director always struggled to get up in the morning and used to come running in at 9am or just after for his first delegate meeting. My colleague and I always used to get to the Crow’s Nest around 8.30am and rearrange the company name signs to put ourselves in the prime position. The Sales Director used to get pretty upset about it but not enough to get up earlier in the morning! I remember on one occasion he slept right through and missed his first two meetings. If it hadn’t been for one of the Richmond Events staff ‘breaking into’ his cabin, he may still be there:0)

“…except on the occasion when they are giving their own personal performance of Riverdance in the back of a London taxi.”

Back in 2014 we had a similar experience when we didn’t like our speed meeting location. We took our flag from our allocated space and placed it on the bar. I think that is the first time all of our speed meeting delegates actually showed up. Furthermore, one or two were with us for the remainder of the speed meeting time. We had several visits from Richmond Events team members including what might be described as a ‘telling off’ but I am as sure as I can be that I saw a hint of a smile while my punishment was being administered:)

While on the subject of Richmond Events staff, it would remiss of me not to say how brilliant they are. They always demonstrate the utmost professionalism and… ah yes, except on the occasion when they are giving their own personal performance of Riverdance in the back of a London taxi. I feel I should explain. A couple of years ago Richmond Events invited us to a promotional evening and asked us to be ambassadors and help to encourage potential suppliers to come on board by extolling the benefits of attending the IT Directors Forum.

After several hours of conversation and drinking I was left with the task of ensuring one of the Richmond Events staff made it safely into a taxi to take her home. Unless you have ever tried to escort one of the cast members of Riverdance along the road mid performance you will have no idea of the challenge I faced. “Come on. Let’s do Riverdance.” When you are trying to hold someone up so that they stay on their feet while they are mid Riverdance, you have no choice other than to join in and become part of the performance. As we Riverdanced out of the front of the hotel going twice around in the revolving doors all of the other Richmond Events team jumped into the only readily available taxi and left me with their hyper gesticulating clog clumping colleague.

“…I guess my life did depend on it as I was likely to need a counter defibrillation some time soon.”

As we tapped along the road I could see the episode of Father Ted clearly in my mind when Father Noel Furlong and his followers were performing their Riverdance in a small caravan. From memory I think as a result of the dancing it fell over a cliff. Had there been any cliffs in the City I am sure I would have faced the same violent end. When I spotted my chance to hand my violently shaking friend to another responsible adult, I was wondering if she was concealing a Vibetone Vibration Trainer under her coat.

Our London Taxi drivers are great aren’t they? “TAXI!” I shouted as if my life depended on it. Actually, I guess my life did depend on it as I was likely to need a counter defibrillation some time soon. The cabbie stopped and although he was talking to me fairly rationally he was look rather nervously over my shoulder. I gave him the address and held the door open and Riverdance was now being performed for one night only (hopefully) in the back of a London taxi. As I shut the door the cabbie looked at me and was obviously terrified. “Are you not getting in too?” “No. Trust me…” I said with my fingers crossed behind my back, “…you will be fine.” The things we do for our friends! You know who you are:0)

Steve Smith – looking like he might need a defibrillator very soon!

There must have been something about 4am on the ship. On the other occasion I got to be before 4am I experienced a similar incident as before. Only just got to sleep and then BANG! I looked at my watch and it was 4am – again? This time the wardrobe appeared tact and there was no sign of any clothes on the floor. I thought maybe I was really dreaming this time except that Mr Hodges was wandering around the cabin dazed. He had got up to go to the little boys room but he turned the wrong way and crashed into the patio doors. Ouch! He saw the reflection of the passageway and tried to walk into it. On leaving the little boys room he tripped over my bed and fell on me. Even the small amount of precious sleep time we do get doesn’t pass without incident.

“…Mr Hodges came bounding out of the bathroom and threw open the curtains on our balcony and did his very best to impersonate a star fish.”

The IT Directors Forum has always been eventful for us. The first year Mr Hodges and I were working together and sharing a cabin at the IT Directors Forum our alarm sounded after only two hours sleep (the ITDF norm) and Mr Hodges was first in the shower. I thought I would make the most of an extra ten minutes rest at least. We were moored just off Guernsey in the middle of the sea and were too far away to be overlooked by the islanders. Mr Hodges came bounding out of the bathroom and threw open the curtains on our balcony and did his very best to impersonate a star fish. He hadn’t bargained for the fact that the Queen Elizabeth was passing within (what looked like) arm’s length and all you could see were people.

I thought it only fair to share the details of this event with just about everyone I came across. When we arrived at our meeting point we saw one of Mr Hodges old friends and rugby team mates so I just had to tell him. When I finished going through the sequence of events Mr Hodges concluded. “Can you imagine what those people must have been thinking.” Mr Hodges old friend replied with perfect timing, “Look Mummy, that lady hasn’t got any boobs.”

“He was promptly whisked away for interrogation and we received another telling off.”

As is our tradition at the IT Directors Forum we held our very last drinks reception in the Crow’s Nest for friends of Astro. I’ve mentioned before that strictly speaking it is against the rules so we try to keep it low key. A few years ago one of our lunch guests was walking past our meeting post in the Crow’s Nest when one of our good friends from the Richmond Events team asked us if we wanted to join her for drinks that evening. Mr Hodges said we were already going to be having a drink and were unable to accept. Unfortunately for us our lunch guest said “Yes, look!” and held up one of our drinks reception tickets to our Richmond Events friend. He was promptly whisked away for interrogation and we received another telling off.

We had a really good attendance at our drinks reception this year and it was great that a couple of our Richmond Events friends could join us. As I handed one of our guests a beer he said, “That’s a bit strange being given beer at a cocktail reception?” I was a little puzzled at this but one of our other guests started engaging in conversation with him. Sometime later he walked over the Mr Hodges and apologised. “I am really sorry I have been drinking your beer as I thought I was at the BCS Elite Cocktail Reception.” Mr Hodges reassured him that it was perfectly OK to stay with us or move on to the BCS reception. He said, “I would rather stay here if that’s OK, I am enjoying myself.” Brilliant!

The Astro IT Directors Forum Team Steve Hodges and Steve Smith.

Continued in part 3…